How We Found Out

October 12, 2013 is a day I will never forget. It is the day I lost our baby. The Lord really didn’t give me much time to sit around and grieve because I was so busy with packing and moving. When November 10 came and I hadn’t had a period I starting worrying. (which is crazy- it had only been 4 weeks and sometimes it can take up to 8 to get a period after a miscarriage). Now don’t get me wrong- we were NOT…I repeat NOT trying to get pregnant. I was terrified of getting pregnant. I had decided that we would get settled into new house, get involved, make friends then try again. Ascher was still young! So it had been 4 weeks and I wanted to start just so I would know my body was doing what it was supposed to and I didn’t have to start worrying about not having regular cycles/ovulating properly. But I wasn’t showing any signs of starting.

Sunday evening I ran to the pizza place by the apartment, ordered a pizza and walked over to Target while I waited for pizza to be ready. I picked up a pregnancy test and went back to pick up pizza. This whole time Justin thinks Im crazy and just wasted $8. I said well technically only $4, because I only needed to take one to prove I wasn’t pregnant. We ate dinner, hung out, picked up the apartment a little. My plan was to wait until morning and take it but I just couldn’t. I went and took it and when those two lines appeared I cried. I think my tears were pure fear. I took the test out to the living room of our little apartment shaking crying. Justin and I had already discussed that regardless of the outcome I would probably cry. If it was negative, I would cry because of the baby that was no longer there. If it was positive, I would cry because omg. So Justin had no clue when I came out if I was crying because positive or negative. Even though he was just like me and thought for sure it was negative. So when I showed him the test he still didn’t believe it. He thought that maybe it was leftover hormones still showing up from the last pregnancy. That’s when I had to confess that a few days earlier I had taken my last test I had from the last baby and it was negative. And now a test is showing positive. No way could it be the other baby. Of course, Justin being Justin still didn’t believe it. Neither did I really. It was all happening so fast. I was terrified. My body still hadn’t worked itself out. I still hadn’t had a period (since before getting off birth control). But I guess I made plans and God said alright Lauren…here is the REAL plan. MY plan.

So the week that followed I took two more tests. The 10th was the Sunday and the line was faint but it was there.

 The 12th I took a digital test and it said YES! (sad they don’t stay lit up YES forever) 

and then on the 14th took first response and the pregnant line was darker than the control!! 

I WAS THRILLED!! I couldn't hold it in any longer. We told our family via facetime and skype that night. (the 14^th)

The 14th I had my blood taken- my HCG levels were 486 and my progesterone was a 19. Now, if you remember back to the baby we lost. My progesterone wasn't even a 10 at 8 weeks. Now, this baby is a 19 at 4 weeks! I was ecstatic and cried. (go figure). I had to go back on Saturday and get my blood taken again to make sure it was normal rise before the doc would see me. So I went on Saturday and my nurse is so fabulous she called the hospital for me Saturday evening to check my results and HALLEJIAUH! A normal rise!!

Finally on the 19th we had our first doc appt. I was terrified. What if I got in there and there was no heartbeat or no baby at all. I go in and there it is. A little dot on the screen. Too early to see a heartbeat but there was a baby. (I was 5 weeks 2 days).

On the way home I stopped and got a smoothie. Well this place always puts up scripture/Godly quotes on their sign and this particular day was so perfect I cried when I read it. He is so so so good. 

It says-
Give thanks to the Lord for his Goodness and Greatness.
He is Worthy.

up next: 
Weeks 4-6, 
Weeks 7-11, 
Weeks 12, 13, 14, & 15. 
(I still have to catch up on November, December & January...slowly but surely)

Random August Pictures (First Couple Weeks)

The past two weeks of August have been pretty chill. We did a lot of resting, cleaning, bible study, yard work, played. Ya know...good ol fashioned summer time. Ascher was sick so resting was the key. When I took him to doctor they said he just had a virus. He never got a fever and his ears looked good so I guess a virus was all it was. Neither Justin nor I got sick, thank goodness.

I love when God sends you right to the perfect verse. The other day I was struggling and God just kept telling me to read Matthew. I opened it up and WHAM. The beatitudes was exactly what I needed to read.

We ate at Cracker Barrel with friends

We shopped at Target & Hobby Lobby with friends and had some fun hanging out around the house

So this was a pretty pointless post...I had it in drafts and I don't remember what I was going to add so here you have it...some cute pictures of my bubby and God using his word to minister to me. : )

Four Kinds of Unglued: Chapter 4

Session 3: Four Kinds of Unglued

Chapter 4: What kind of Unglued Am I?

I realized I was having a hard time defining myself. I needed to define myself not with the purpose of labeling, but for identifying, for naming what is true. There is a big difference between labeling ourselves and indentifying our tendencies (43). I personally had the hard time with this- the tool on page 193 of the book really helped identifying my “kind of unglued.” Also, use the tool to find out what kind of unglued you are with more than just one person. (spouse, friends, kids, strangers)

So we know there are 4 kinds of unglued:

Exploders who shame themselves

Exploders who blame others

Stuffers who build barriers

Stuffers who collect retaliation rocks

Exploding means pushing emotions outward- condemning attitudes, raised voices, harsh looks; however there are quiet exploders too- not the decibel level but having reactions that feel good in the moment because it gets the yuck out. We’ll either deflect that regrets by blaming someone else or we’ll ingest the regret by shaming ourselves. Either way, exploding feels good in the short term but awful in the long term (44).

Stuffing means pushing emotions inward- wallow in the hurt, we coat the issue with more and more layers or hurt until it forms a hard rock of sorts. It’s a rock we will eventually use either to build a barrier or to hurl at someone else in retaliation (44).

Most of us fall into ALL 4 categories! “I instinctively measure this cost and decide with whom and in what circumstances I can afford to either explode and let it all rip or stuff it and pretend nothing’s wrong” (45).

We have a choice- the easy reaction or the good reaction. Easy isn’t the new good. Making progress requires pursing the good over the easy. Micah 6:8 was discussed in the participants guide and I like what she did.  Micah is telling the Israelites they have completely missed the point about what is Good and what is God requires of them. Three different versions followed:

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. (NIV)

The Lord God has told us what is right and what he demands: “See that justice is done, let mercy be your first concern, and humbly obey your God.” (CEV)

But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously—take God seriously. (MSG)

I have highlighted the parts of each that really stuck out to me.

“Exploders chose the easy over the good when they embrace a semblance of honesty but refuse to be reined in by godliness. Stuffers choose the easy over the good when they embrace a semblance of godliness (peacemaking) but refuse to be reined in by honesty (Participants Guide, 80).”

A person who stuffs then shames themselves uses their words and tone to make sure the other person feels their point (46)—instead we should use this as a “golden opportunity to love the unlovely.” Refuse to wallow in the depressing angst condemnation brings- instead embrace any conviction you feel. Condemnation defeats us. Conviction unlocks the greatest potential for change (47). We aren’t stuck- he is going to mold us and shape us to do what we are supposed to do for him. 

Soul Integrity

Soul integrity is what we need to strive for. We don’t want to be a stuffer who turns into an exploder or vice versa. So what is Soul Integrity? Soul Integrity is honesty that’s Godly. It brings the passion of the exploder and the peacemaking of the stuffer under the authority of Jesus.

She talks about when her emotions are level she is like the little girl in the movie, The Help. The quote from the movie “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” Jesus made me a kind-hearted person, full of encouragement and eager to inspire any person who gets within ten feet of me. Jesus made me smart enough to know that I need Him- desperately and fully. And Jesus has assigned all of us the important job of representing Him to this world which means we re-present him everywhere we go. (52)

Start praying now for the person you want to be in 7 years. Let God begin to sow in you how he will use you in the future.

When we explode we embrace the honesty part but refuse to be reined in by the godly part. You see, my honest feelings may not be truthful assessments of the situation. In reality, honesty that isn’t true isn’t honesty at all. That’s why we need Godly honesty—honesty reined in by the Holy Spirit. (52-53)

It must grieve God’s heart to see His people reject the godliness that should always balance out our honesty. How it must also grieve God’s heart to see plastic versions of godliness that aren’t reined in by honesty. Saying I’m fine to keep the peace, when we’re not really fine, isn’t honest. It may seem godly in the moment, but its false godliness. Truth and Godliness always walk hand in hand.

Knowing that we can’t control how others act & react, I still can control how I act and react. We can extended others forgiveness while simultaneously being honest about our hurt.  Just because we extend forgiveness doesn’t mean we need to keep that person in our close-knit circle. Forgiveness is mandatory; reconciliation is optional. (54)

WORDS! How we use them:

 So much of pursuing this soul integrity means carefully watching our words (54)

I recently heard a quote I loved- “in order to overflow into other people’s lives, you have to be filled up.” 

Self effort alone can’t tame the tongue and our raw emotions run wild. (54) Our words must be spoken in the humility that comes from wisdom. And when we are wise, we pause and measure our words to get at the heart of the issue without sabotaging the heart of our offender –See James 3:14-16 (55).

I stuff to protect myself by keeping conflict at bay. But I’m stuffing and not being honest about my true feelings, that self protection quickly turns into selfishness and the unresolved conflict gives birth to bitterness. See James 3:17...Our peacemaking efforts must be honest.  Soul Integrity makes us true peacemakers- people who aren’t stuffing or exploding but rather honestly demonstrating what they are experiencing in a godly manner. And being a true peacemaker reaps a harvest of great qualities in our lives. (James 3:18) (56).

Freedom for the Unglued

I hope yall enjoyed Grace for the Unglued from Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst Here are my notes on Chapter One: An Invitation to Imperfect Progress along with a recap of the video from Session 2. 

Video Recap:

Lysa talks about visiting Michelangelos David and how there are sculptures along the way that are called “prisoners” which were never finished. How much could those sculptures be just like us? A prisoner locked away in hard places. Those are the places we need to be chiseled. And oh how beautiful it is when the Master chisels. Instead of saying “I’m a mess.” Say: “Let God chisel.” We are Gods workmanship. She goes on to talk about Peter (Matthew 14, John 18:10). Jesus set a true scene of grace later in Peters life when he asks him 3 times does he love him- just like Peter denied Christ 3 times. (John 21:15-17) Her main point was to LET GOD CHISEL. He is releasing us from our hard places so we can do good works- but we have to let him chisel.

Our discussion:

This week we just discussed each chapter and different things that stuck out to us. First, we talked about how Lysa suggests taking some data about yourself. Write down the person you come “unglued” on. What was your psychical/emotional state BEFORE the event? (Were you tired? Frustrated? Hungry?), What happened that prompted my raw reactions? How did I react? –Tedious but may give some helpful insight to a pattern and a look into yourselves.

Chapter 1: An Invitation to Imperfect Progress

“What kept me from making changes was the feeling that I wouldn’t do it perfectly. I knew I’d still mess up and the changes wouldn’t come instantly. Sometimes we girls think if we don’t make instant progress, then real change isn’t coming (14).”

“Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck (14-15).”

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. 2^nd Corinthians 3:18

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

Depends on your vantage point (the egg shell story)- We shared examples of times when our vantage point might have been different and then the outcome where God used the hard times to better and grow us. Just like Lysa says, “Might the same be true for our hard places? Might all this struggle with our raw emotions and unglued feelings have the exact same potential for new life and new strength (16).” 

We have to transform our minds, which lead us into chapter 2.

Grace for the Unglued

This summer I have been doing Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst  We meet every Tuesday morning and I absolutely look forward to this time with my church ladies where we fellowship, watch the video and then discuss the video/chapters we read. I was asked to be the secretary for my group. My job entails sending email each week of prayer request, announcements and a summary. However, I am not very good at one paragraph summaries so my group gets 3-4 pages of summary each week. : ) I always say I am going to come home and type up my notes but never actually get around too it but being the secretary has made me do it and I am so thankful for this. The extra time I spend going back over it always blesses me again. Since I write so much I think for the blogs sake I will just do one chapter at a time. Here is my notes from Unglued: Session One (the video).

Session 1: Grace for the Unglued

Youtube video of the first video if you missed it: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0vPgdKWkyQ

Some of the highlights from the video that we discussed were “that feelings should be indicators, not dictators.” We talked about how we are not ruled by our flesh but that as women sometimes we give ourselves false permission to be “emotional” and a lot of times we hide our raw emotions from people we want to impress but spew on those we love the most.

Something we really talked about was “imperfect progress” and how a lot of times when we fail we want to give up because we weren't perfect but God doesn't want perfect from us- he wants us to make progress…imperfect progress.

          In the video it talked about Joshua and whose side was he on? We have to ask ourselves the same question. And we asked each other, “What does a woman who is on His side look like?” Some of our answers were:

·       calm and collect (A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger Proverbs 15:1)

·       Emotions should be ruled but what God feels- what hurts him

·       Women think it is our right to share feelings and talk about problems/life situations with other women. *Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve talked about it?*

·       We really have to fight to live with Godly emotions. Let it go, put it down and don’t pick it back up as difficult as it may be. (And sometimes we may fail- but tomorrow will be better- imperfect progress)

·       Being on God’s side doesn’t mean we are going to have all the answers

·       In order to speak truth, you must know truth

How does Jesus handle emotions? We never see Jesus having highs and lows. He is always constant. In the garden for example, he had taught his disciples and he really needed them that night and he was hurt they were sleeping but he reacted calmly.

So how can we remain on God’s side?

Psalm 19:14 “May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and Redeemer” So…what words are you using about this person? What thoughts are you having about this person? To stay on God’s side we must use

1.    Truth

2.    Self-control: You can’t control other people

3.    Prayer: Be thankful for that person

WIR

Week in Review

This week has been crazy fun. We have had so much going on but again- so much fun and learning for this little boy! : ) So without further ado- here is a glimpse into our week.

Monday:

We got up and met Ashley & Terri at the pool. I had never been to our public pool before but I was pleasantly surprised. It was extremely kid friendly. It had a zero depth area with spouts of water and a clam slide that I am sure Ascher will enjoy one day. : ) We had a fun little time but before long it was lunch time and Ascher (and Mommy) were hungry and snack time was not enough.  

I'm totally rocking a tankini!! Granted after being at the public pool- I thought to myself I should have worn my bikini...wow some people!!

Tuesday:

I was so excited for Bible Study to start back up. I got asked to be my groups secretary and I was THRILLED! I love being involved and having a job. You guys are going to benefit from it as well- I write out notes and email them out each week so I figured I might as well just post them on here as well. : )  We are doing Lysa Turkurst Unglued. So far it has been good! (Granted- we are only one week in)

Ascher has missed Bible Study & his friends. He was PASSED out when I picked him up. He stayed asleep all the way to the car, all the way home and for an hour once we got home. Cute little worn out nugget!! 

Wednesday

I dont know what I was thinking but we were on a roll and so Wednesday came around and I thought hmmm...what can we do today!? So we packed up and headed to Barnes & Noble. They have a great little Train table set up and Ascher loves books so I figured that would entertain him for a little while, I was right. Thomas the Train has a new fan. Too bad those little suckers are expensive!!! I had a gift card so I picked up the Unglued Participants Guide for Bible Study so I could dig deeper each week. So far- loving it just as much as the book.

After a while Ascher was more entertained by the expensive books and things he didn't need to be playing with so we headed to Target to get some PJ shorts. (I love them- most comfy thing ever). I picked up the gray pair and lived in them for the next two days. Guilty. 

Wednesday night my nephew, Grayson, had an all star baseball game so we headed up the fields and watched as Grayson won another game!! Woohoo!!

We have a picture just like this from last year and Ascher was so little. (a month old) LOOK how much they have both grown!!

For dinner I made this. I altered it a little but it was good. I liked it alot. I added it to the binder. : )

Thursday:

My day of rest- or so that is what I thought when I got up. I told myself Ascher has had a fun busy three days- today we will take it easy at home and just play around the house. Well...apparently I spoiled Ascher taking him out three days in a row because he was a MESS all day. He kept going to the door and bringing me his shoes. He was a crazy baby!! He climbed on everything, crawled under everything, ran everywhere.

 Finally after an hour of crying (it was nap time but he wasn't having it) I put him in the car and prayed he would go to sleep while I drove to Dairy Queen to fix my "Mommy Unglued Moment" with a S'mores blizzard. I was just getting so frustrated I knew I needed to do something not to lose my mind and a blizzard was a perfect fit and guess who went to sleep? 

Finally. Peace. For a little while at least...For dinner tonight I made this. Also a keeper. This one Justin and Ascher liked better than the chicken from the night before. I feel like it was one of the first meals that I didn't throw away any leftovers- between the two of them...and I guess I helped too ; )

Friday

Justin had off so we played as a family today. I love when he is home on Fridays! Its so much fun! We played in the backyard and Ascher got in his pool with no water in it- so Justin filled it up! And fun fun was had!!

Saturday

I got up and couldn't wait to get into the attic! I waited for Ascher to go down for a nap and I went shopping in the attic!! : )  I have been wanting to go up there and have a look around at all my teacher tubs. I know I have tons of books and what not that would be great for Ascher. Yes..a lot would he would be too young for him but books you are never too young!! Are you ready for this...

this is only half the attic...sad I may have had a small problem when is came to teaching supplies...but oh I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I only got down pop-up books and a box of giant dominoes. I couldn't get to much else...I had to hunch down and crawl around so pop-up books and dominoes are good for now. Its like Christmas when I go up there because I forget what I have! After the attic I started working on the picnic table. My friend gave me her old little tikes picnic table. It was old, wobbly and dirty. I saw potential. 

More on that later...this table became our weekend project. : )

We went out to Justin's buddy from college house for dinner. His wife, Kristen was so cute and decorated their patio so cute! They live on land and it is absolutely beautiful out there!! 

However, Justin didn't ask before we went out there if their son was going to be there.Well no- no children were there but Ascher was trucking along. So we had to chase him around everywhere. I told Justin next time he HAS to ask about children!!! We couldnt stay late either because Ascher was ready for bed. So we headed home.

Sunday

Today we went to church and it was an awesome service. We are getting a new music minister so he was there this morning, the sermon was GREAT and we ended the service with a SURPRISE military homecoming!! OMG- there wasn't a dry eye there. Our pastor always talks about people when they come home so it wasn't anything different expect he said but his mom doesn't know he is here...and then said his name. She jumped up so fast! Oh my. I love the show Surprise Homecoming and to see a real live one was AWESOME!!

Whew- that was quite the week! This post ended up being way longer than I had thought---busy busy busy week!! <3 font="" love="">

Saturdays Song

Yesterday was super busy so I didn't ever sit down and upload my Easter song for Saturday. I have a long list of songs that fit this week so perfectly but one of my favorites is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpCaNBhK4S0

(The embedded is disabled- but this video is worth the click to the link.) I can remember when this song came out and we would be in the car and Mom would turn it on so loud and we would sing at the top of our lungs...MY REDEEMER LIVES!!!

The Old Rugged Cross

In Christ Alone

Today is one of my favorites. I have been waiting since I posted yesterdays song to post today's song. I just love it.




I also started my "Psalms Journal" Psalms is by far one of my favorite books of the bible and our pastor has been going through Psalms for quite some time now. Verse by verse, chapter by chapter. I love it. So last night I started over with his sermons online and took all my notes in a journal. I thought it would be neat to be able to flip through this journal and see the background and sermon on EVERY psalm. I love when I get hungry for the Lord's word. Amazing what he can do!! You can find his sermons here.

This Week

I have decided in anticipation of Easter I would post a video each day of a Easter hymn/song. Easter is such a beautiful time to remember what our savior did for us. I know I personally get wrapped up in life and everything else and don't really sit down daily and remember him dying on the cross however, this week I have tried to focus on it and read the story repeatedly to see what God will show me each time. Anyways, for a recap

Monday: Why Nicole Nordeman

Tuesday: Beautiful Terrible Cross Selah

and today is Were You There? Selah

Let us always remember the day 

when our savior died for us 

and even more when 

he rose from the grave.

Cookies & Bible Verses

I posted these last year but had to link to it again. My family and I are going to do it this weekend (even though we are all grown).

EASTER COOKIES

Also, this afternoon I am going to make the "Peanut Butter Surprise Cookies" I saw here.   LOVE IT! 

The only thing that would make this upcoming Easter weekend complete would be if hubby wasn't going to be working away. Boo


Some of my recent FAVORITE bible verses:

"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God" Titus 2:3-5

People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness. Proverbs 14:29

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:4-9

And lastly we had a great sermon on this chapter of Psalms on Sunday.

Psalms 52 (The Message)

Why do you brag of evil, "Big Man"?
      God's mercy carries the day.
   You scheme catastrophe;
      your tongue cuts razor-sharp,
      artisan in lies.
   You love evil more than good,
      you call black white.
   You love malicious gossip,
      you foul-mouth.

 ⁵ God will tear you limb from limb,
      sweep you up and throw you out,
   Pull you up by the roots
      from the land of life.

 ^6-7 Good people will watch and
      worship. They'll laugh in relief:
   "Big Man bet on the wrong horse,
      trusted in big money,
      made his living from catastrophe."

 ⁸ And I'm an olive tree,
      growing green in God's house.
   I trusted in the generous mercy
      of God then and now.

 ⁹ I thank you always
      that you went into action.
   And I'll stay right here,
      your good name my hope,
      in company with your faithful friends.

 

Beautiful Terrible Cross

This song & video speaks for itself.

The Beautiful....Terrible...Cross.

Why?

Seeing that yesterday was Palm Sunday and we are in the week leading up to my Savior's death it was only timely that out of 1700 songs on my ipod this would come on. I love this song. I used to sing it in my room and dream of one day singing it in church (don't worry, I have a not good voice and NEVER sang it anywhere other than my bedroom). 

Why By Nicole Nordeman