His Child. Not My Own.

I have really contemplated on posting this anywhere. And why share now? I share now because I would have been 12 weeks this week. I wrote it over time but really feel like maybe God put this in our lives so that I can share. Back in September we found out we were expecting. Due May 29, 2014. I wrote the typical excitement journal entry and was so excited. This baby was in no way planned. I got off birth control in September and got pregnant in September. With Ascher, I got off in January and got pregnant in July so we were not expecting this at all. Anything in red was written a while ago—black is my commentary today.

We have no idea what we are in for but we are excited that God has blessed us once again with a pregnancy. It is such a miracle. As I was putting Ascher to bed tonight, (We have this new thing where we go in our room and watch TV in bed for  a few minutes then he snuggles up next to me and goes to sleep) I texted Justin and said there are three of us in here. He said that’s weird. I responded, no its not. It’s a miracle, our greatest accomplishments.

I continued to write about little stuff…ya know stuff I wanted to remember…like my symptoms, things that were happening in our world (like house being on market, etc) And then Sunday night three weeks later I was on pinterest and I kept coming across this verse…Isaiah 46:4. I just knew in my gut that this should be Baby #2 life verse. (Mine is Psalms 91, Justin is Proverbs 3:5-6, and Ascher is John 15:9-16) The verse says… I have made you and I carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you. I don’t know but I just knew in my gut that this needed to be this babies verse. I clung to that verse so tightly over the upcoming weeks. So Monday came around and this is what I wrote following our doctors apt. 

Well little did I know how much it would ring true. (Reference to the verse) Monday we went to the doctor. I was so excited and anxious. I just couldn't wait to have my second ultrasound and see little baby. (I had been to doc once already but it was too early to see anything other than a sac forming). Well we get in there and the little heart is beating away. It really is the most beautiful sound that there ever was. It is unbelievable to me that a baby's heart is beating away at 105 beats per minute inside me. Well I asked how far along I was and he said it looked like 5 weeks. Well according to my last period I am supposed to be 6 weeks 5 days. So he says he is going to put me on progesterone to help. And then asks me have you ever had a miscarriage? I am holding it together as best as can. I am so lost. WHAT!? A miscarriage?  I came into this appointment so happy and anxious and just knew I would see two babies (haha)…not one who may or may not be growing properly. Well Monday night I start spotting. Tuesday morning I go to bible study and I can’t get it out of my mind. Im so hormonal. (Good sign, I guess. Haha) Well I call them at 11 and she tells me my progesterone is at 7. It’s supposed to be at 15 so he wants me to start taking my progesterone 2x a day instead of one and see me next Friday instead of 2 weeks…My spotting is increasing and so they want to see me on Thursday instead of next Friday.

I rested the next few days trying to do everything in my power to just take it easy and not worry. At this point, I really was just thinking I needed to rest—that’s it. (How naive) I wrote this on Wednesday night…

Tomorrow morning I have MOPS then it will be almost time for the apt. I am very nervous. Justin is in Houston and Mom is sick. So I am going alone. I know God has a plan just like I said. Isaiah is this baby's life verse. And if the Lord chooses to let me carry HIS child for a week, an hour, or preferably 9 months HE is the one who is carrying me and the baby. This baby is on loan.  He will rescue & sustain me regardless of the outcome.

In writing this I just realized that is the last thing I wrote in that entry about the baby. Im gonna be honest…this is hard. That’s enough for now. Tomorrow I’ll write about the worst day of my life. The day the Lord chose to take his baby home.