Four Kinds of Unglued: Chapter 5: The Exploders

Chapter 5: The Exploders

Raw emotions won’t sit quietly awaiting further instructions. They’ll move—outward if we explode and inward if we stuff. That’s what makes raw emotions so complicated. They come from out of nowhere and run us slap-over (60).

We talked about how raw emotions and discipline are different- A great correlation to schools and how we should teach our children the correct way to respond- also by leading by example

Do not check in with the screaming demands of the world before you exchange whispers with God (62).

We don’t want our shame to be our reality. Sip the shame so you won’t have to guzzle the regret. In other words, taste a little bit of the shame of letting it all rip before you find yourself drowning in gallons of unwanted regret (63).

The last thing we want to do is exchange unhealthy exploding for unhealthy stuffing. The balance is soul integrity where honesty is godly (64).  

Finding My Soul Integrity in God’s Perspective

Knowing what we need doesn’t always translate into wanting what we need.

When we dump hurt into one another’s lives we aren’t leveling the conflict scale. We are just weighing down the people side of the scale and elevating the Satan side of the scale. Satan loves it when we do his work for him by dumping on each other.  (65)

The secret to healthy conflict resolution isn’t taking a you-against-me stance, but realizing it’s all of us against Satan—he’s the real enemy.  (65-66)

 “A moment of conflict handled the right way is hands down one of the grandest opportunities we have to shame Satan back to Hell. A Jesus girl who rises up and unexpectedly gives grace when she surely could have done otherwise reveals the power and mystery of Christ at work in her life and in the world.”

Ephesians 6:19 says Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel. The placement of this verse is crucial & intentional. After we remember who the real enemy is- and that the person who hurt us is NOT our enemy- we must carefully consider the words we speak to this person. (65) What a choice we must make!

Crafting a Response Template-(67-68)

 Must practice this- seems good for email, might need some preparing if you were to confront someone face to face

1.      Begin by honoring the offended

a.      not easy sometimes- but remember that giving honor reveals more about my character that the character of the other person

2.      Keep your response short and full of grace

a.      Difficult for women, we like to talk (Guilty)

b.      Acknowledge the expressed hurt

c.       Clarify intentions

d.      Gentle honesty about issue at hand

e.      Apology (if appropriate)

f.        Line asking for Grace

3.      End by extending compassion

a.      Why not be the rare person who offers love to this hard-to-love person?

b.      Something as simple as- With Grace, Thank you, Blessings if love and compassion is not sincere- don’t fake it

So Remember…. H.G.C.    Honor- Grace-Compassion

Reactions are typically hard words used to prove how wrong the other person is. No good ever comes from this. (Proverbs 15:1) Choosing a gently reply doesn’t mean you are weak; it actually means you possess a rare and godly strength. (68)

This all shall pass. And, in the end, it’s good for me to remember that it isn’t my job to fix people. That’s God’s job. My job is to be obedient to God in the midst of my own set of issues.  (69)

Self Control

It is hard to display self control when someone else does things out of my control that yank m emotions into a bad place. Remember, feelings are indicators, not dictators.  They can indicate there is a situation I need to deal with, but they shouldn’t dictate how I react, I have a choice. The one who holds their tongue is the one who holds the power. (72)

Isaiah 55:10-11 says Gods word will not return empty. The answer to keeping God’s power with me and working in me to produce self-control is letting God’s word get inside me. Here is my new tactic: start quoting God’s Word in the present tense. (73) Oh the power of the Word of the Lord.  Either way, processing things scripturally in the present tense keeps my heart in a better place. (Quoting scripture about anxiety always helps me) This is so important because when we operate according to God’s Word, we operate according to God’s will. (74)

Proverbs 29:18 talks about how without divine communication (prayer) people cast off restraint. (75) We desperately need restraint and without open communication with the Lord we cast it off. It is just like a friend or spouse- are you close to that person if you never talk to them? No- so the same goes for the Lord. The more we talk to him and spend time with him- the close we are to him, the more our lives should reflect him.

Self control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. It’s the external expression of our relationship with God. Holy restraint is the seed of the fruit. It’s the internal experience of living with Christ and applying His truths to my life. It’s deciding I’m not just going to ingest his truths…I’m going to digest his truths by making them a part of who I am and how I live. (75)

Once we develop that holy restraint from an internal experience with God, we can have external expressions that honor God. God’s Word – his divine communication at work in us internally—really can help us externally when we’re tempted to be exploders who blame. (76)

The only way I can see what God is doing and attend to what He reveals is to get quiet with Him.  5 Things that are “balm for the raw edges of the soul on verge of exploding”- Start each sentence with…”In the quiet…”

11.      We feel safe enough to humble ourselves

a.      Ask God to speak truth to my heart in order for things to start making sense

22.      God lifts us up to a more rational place

33.      Anxiety gives way to progress

a.      Letting Jesus work on me is where real progress happens

44.      We acknowledge that our real enemy isn’t the other person.

a.      1^st Peter 5:8-9 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith

55.  God will use this conflict for good—no matter how it turns out.

Four Kinds of Unglued: Chapter 4

Session 3: Four Kinds of Unglued

Chapter 4: What kind of Unglued Am I?

I realized I was having a hard time defining myself. I needed to define myself not with the purpose of labeling, but for identifying, for naming what is true. There is a big difference between labeling ourselves and indentifying our tendencies (43). I personally had the hard time with this- the tool on page 193 of the book really helped identifying my “kind of unglued.” Also, use the tool to find out what kind of unglued you are with more than just one person. (spouse, friends, kids, strangers)

So we know there are 4 kinds of unglued:

Exploders who shame themselves

Exploders who blame others

Stuffers who build barriers

Stuffers who collect retaliation rocks

Exploding means pushing emotions outward- condemning attitudes, raised voices, harsh looks; however there are quiet exploders too- not the decibel level but having reactions that feel good in the moment because it gets the yuck out. We’ll either deflect that regrets by blaming someone else or we’ll ingest the regret by shaming ourselves. Either way, exploding feels good in the short term but awful in the long term (44).

Stuffing means pushing emotions inward- wallow in the hurt, we coat the issue with more and more layers or hurt until it forms a hard rock of sorts. It’s a rock we will eventually use either to build a barrier or to hurl at someone else in retaliation (44).

Most of us fall into ALL 4 categories! “I instinctively measure this cost and decide with whom and in what circumstances I can afford to either explode and let it all rip or stuff it and pretend nothing’s wrong” (45).

We have a choice- the easy reaction or the good reaction. Easy isn’t the new good. Making progress requires pursing the good over the easy. Micah 6:8 was discussed in the participants guide and I like what she did.  Micah is telling the Israelites they have completely missed the point about what is Good and what is God requires of them. Three different versions followed:

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. (NIV)

The Lord God has told us what is right and what he demands: “See that justice is done, let mercy be your first concern, and humbly obey your God.” (CEV)

But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously—take God seriously. (MSG)

I have highlighted the parts of each that really stuck out to me.

“Exploders chose the easy over the good when they embrace a semblance of honesty but refuse to be reined in by godliness. Stuffers choose the easy over the good when they embrace a semblance of godliness (peacemaking) but refuse to be reined in by honesty (Participants Guide, 80).”

A person who stuffs then shames themselves uses their words and tone to make sure the other person feels their point (46)—instead we should use this as a “golden opportunity to love the unlovely.” Refuse to wallow in the depressing angst condemnation brings- instead embrace any conviction you feel. Condemnation defeats us. Conviction unlocks the greatest potential for change (47). We aren’t stuck- he is going to mold us and shape us to do what we are supposed to do for him. 

Soul Integrity

Soul integrity is what we need to strive for. We don’t want to be a stuffer who turns into an exploder or vice versa. So what is Soul Integrity? Soul Integrity is honesty that’s Godly. It brings the passion of the exploder and the peacemaking of the stuffer under the authority of Jesus.

She talks about when her emotions are level she is like the little girl in the movie, The Help. The quote from the movie “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” Jesus made me a kind-hearted person, full of encouragement and eager to inspire any person who gets within ten feet of me. Jesus made me smart enough to know that I need Him- desperately and fully. And Jesus has assigned all of us the important job of representing Him to this world which means we re-present him everywhere we go. (52)

Start praying now for the person you want to be in 7 years. Let God begin to sow in you how he will use you in the future.

When we explode we embrace the honesty part but refuse to be reined in by the godly part. You see, my honest feelings may not be truthful assessments of the situation. In reality, honesty that isn’t true isn’t honesty at all. That’s why we need Godly honesty—honesty reined in by the Holy Spirit. (52-53)

It must grieve God’s heart to see His people reject the godliness that should always balance out our honesty. How it must also grieve God’s heart to see plastic versions of godliness that aren’t reined in by honesty. Saying I’m fine to keep the peace, when we’re not really fine, isn’t honest. It may seem godly in the moment, but its false godliness. Truth and Godliness always walk hand in hand.

Knowing that we can’t control how others act & react, I still can control how I act and react. We can extended others forgiveness while simultaneously being honest about our hurt.  Just because we extend forgiveness doesn’t mean we need to keep that person in our close-knit circle. Forgiveness is mandatory; reconciliation is optional. (54)

WORDS! How we use them:

 So much of pursuing this soul integrity means carefully watching our words (54)

I recently heard a quote I loved- “in order to overflow into other people’s lives, you have to be filled up.” 

Self effort alone can’t tame the tongue and our raw emotions run wild. (54) Our words must be spoken in the humility that comes from wisdom. And when we are wise, we pause and measure our words to get at the heart of the issue without sabotaging the heart of our offender –See James 3:14-16 (55).

I stuff to protect myself by keeping conflict at bay. But I’m stuffing and not being honest about my true feelings, that self protection quickly turns into selfishness and the unresolved conflict gives birth to bitterness. See James 3:17...Our peacemaking efforts must be honest.  Soul Integrity makes us true peacemakers- people who aren’t stuffing or exploding but rather honestly demonstrating what they are experiencing in a godly manner. And being a true peacemaker reaps a harvest of great qualities in our lives. (James 3:18) (56).

Freedom for the Unglued: Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The Prisoners

“The chiseling process is about subtraction rather than addition. To grow in holiness and grace, we stand in God’s loving presence and agree to let go of anything He wants to chip away (60- Participant’s Guide).”  So many times we try to add something in our lives to either replace or fix something but really it’s about subtraction so we need to agree to him and let go and let him chisel.

We need to have the ability to see beyond what is to what can be. Will we let a label that someone or something has given us to define us forever?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15QuHygLwFU

Max Lucado’s  You are Special --- WATCH IT!! (8 minutes long)

“Labels only stick if you let them…Those labels start out as little threads of self-dissatisfaction but ultimately weave together into a straight jacket of self-condemnation (33).”

“I was an inmate in a prison of my own design, locked behind the many, many labels I’d put on myself over the years…some prisons don’t require bars to keep people locked inside. All it takes is their perception that they belong there. A soul who believes she can’t leave…doesn’t (34).”

“A messy closet does not make a me a mess. It makes me a child of God who has a messy closet (40).”

“God is chiseling us, making us new… so we can do good works… Works that God has prepared for us, which means he knows best how to prepare in us the character we need to fulfill our calling…oh that we might hear the purposeful clink of the Master’s chisel and call it grace(39).”

Freedom for the Unglued: Chapter 2

Chapter 2: I’m not a Freak Out Woman

We read through some verses that can help us to not become “unglued.”

Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world,but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (ESV)

Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. (ESV)

2^nd Corinthians 10:3-5 For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. (ESV)

(Our battle isn’t against people/flesh)

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (NIV)

Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (NIV) (Your attitude)

Colossians 3:25 For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. (NIV) (Our mind should be on things above)

We then just went through the chapter and talked about some things that stuck out to us such as…

Perspective- how crucial your perspective is. We need to change our “perspective is a key to not coming unglued…perspective doesn't just help me see the current circumstance I’m facing from a new vantage point—it also helps me process future things I face in a calmer, more grounded way…It’s actually the way God wired us(22).”

“We can actually capture our thoughts and allow the power of Christ’s truth to change them. (2^nd Corinthians 10:5) We need to pray for God to show us a better perspective to help us see good even when we don’t feel good.

“I can face things that are out of my control and not act out of control (23).”

“I realized when I get in a tizzy about it fixed nothing. It just added more stress and anxiety to my already tense situation...I can loosen my grip on control…and rest on the fact that God is in control. So it is a hard lesson to learn. But a crucial one (24).”

“We can’t always fix our circumstances, but we can fix our minds on God. 
We can do that (28).”

Lets erase the word impossible from our vocabulary. Just like the song- impossible is not a word, it’s just a reason not to try!

Freedom for the Unglued

I hope yall enjoyed Grace for the Unglued from Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst Here are my notes on Chapter One: An Invitation to Imperfect Progress along with a recap of the video from Session 2. 

Video Recap:

Lysa talks about visiting Michelangelos David and how there are sculptures along the way that are called “prisoners” which were never finished. How much could those sculptures be just like us? A prisoner locked away in hard places. Those are the places we need to be chiseled. And oh how beautiful it is when the Master chisels. Instead of saying “I’m a mess.” Say: “Let God chisel.” We are Gods workmanship. She goes on to talk about Peter (Matthew 14, John 18:10). Jesus set a true scene of grace later in Peters life when he asks him 3 times does he love him- just like Peter denied Christ 3 times. (John 21:15-17) Her main point was to LET GOD CHISEL. He is releasing us from our hard places so we can do good works- but we have to let him chisel.

Our discussion:

This week we just discussed each chapter and different things that stuck out to us. First, we talked about how Lysa suggests taking some data about yourself. Write down the person you come “unglued” on. What was your psychical/emotional state BEFORE the event? (Were you tired? Frustrated? Hungry?), What happened that prompted my raw reactions? How did I react? –Tedious but may give some helpful insight to a pattern and a look into yourselves.

Chapter 1: An Invitation to Imperfect Progress

“What kept me from making changes was the feeling that I wouldn’t do it perfectly. I knew I’d still mess up and the changes wouldn’t come instantly. Sometimes we girls think if we don’t make instant progress, then real change isn’t coming (14).”

“Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck (14-15).”

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. 2^nd Corinthians 3:18

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

Depends on your vantage point (the egg shell story)- We shared examples of times when our vantage point might have been different and then the outcome where God used the hard times to better and grow us. Just like Lysa says, “Might the same be true for our hard places? Might all this struggle with our raw emotions and unglued feelings have the exact same potential for new life and new strength (16).” 

We have to transform our minds, which lead us into chapter 2.

Grace for the Unglued

This summer I have been doing Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst  We meet every Tuesday morning and I absolutely look forward to this time with my church ladies where we fellowship, watch the video and then discuss the video/chapters we read. I was asked to be the secretary for my group. My job entails sending email each week of prayer request, announcements and a summary. However, I am not very good at one paragraph summaries so my group gets 3-4 pages of summary each week. : ) I always say I am going to come home and type up my notes but never actually get around too it but being the secretary has made me do it and I am so thankful for this. The extra time I spend going back over it always blesses me again. Since I write so much I think for the blogs sake I will just do one chapter at a time. Here is my notes from Unglued: Session One (the video).

Session 1: Grace for the Unglued

Youtube video of the first video if you missed it: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0vPgdKWkyQ

Some of the highlights from the video that we discussed were “that feelings should be indicators, not dictators.” We talked about how we are not ruled by our flesh but that as women sometimes we give ourselves false permission to be “emotional” and a lot of times we hide our raw emotions from people we want to impress but spew on those we love the most.

Something we really talked about was “imperfect progress” and how a lot of times when we fail we want to give up because we weren't perfect but God doesn't want perfect from us- he wants us to make progress…imperfect progress.

          In the video it talked about Joshua and whose side was he on? We have to ask ourselves the same question. And we asked each other, “What does a woman who is on His side look like?” Some of our answers were:

·       calm and collect (A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger Proverbs 15:1)

·       Emotions should be ruled but what God feels- what hurts him

·       Women think it is our right to share feelings and talk about problems/life situations with other women. *Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve talked about it?*

·       We really have to fight to live with Godly emotions. Let it go, put it down and don’t pick it back up as difficult as it may be. (And sometimes we may fail- but tomorrow will be better- imperfect progress)

·       Being on God’s side doesn’t mean we are going to have all the answers

·       In order to speak truth, you must know truth

How does Jesus handle emotions? We never see Jesus having highs and lows. He is always constant. In the garden for example, he had taught his disciples and he really needed them that night and he was hurt they were sleeping but he reacted calmly.

So how can we remain on God’s side?

Psalm 19:14 “May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and Redeemer” So…what words are you using about this person? What thoughts are you having about this person? To stay on God’s side we must use

1.    Truth

2.    Self-control: You can’t control other people

3.    Prayer: Be thankful for that person