I cry but I'm an Overcomer.

Part 1
Part 2

Again- the overwhelming support and love I have felt is tremendous Thank you all. I wrote all of these almost a month ago so they are all full of a lot of emotion. I am doing great. God has totally wrapped me up in his arms and comforted me. Granted, I still have my moments but I am doing great. God is using this to teach me so much and for that I am thankful. Anyways- here is what I wrote 2 days after the miscarriage. 

I Cry.

 I cry about little things like our new house- I picked a nursery and had plans already in my mind.

 I cry blaming myself because my progesterone was low.

 I cry because Thursday that baby was growing, had arms and a tail, had a head and eye sockets and most importantly a heartbeat and sometime between Thursday afternoon and Saturday evening that heart stopped beating. (this one causes a lot of tears)

I cry because people chose to have abortions at weeks much farther than this and my baby is gone.

I cry because I feel lost and devastated.

I cry because I don’t know what else to do.

I cry because Justin was so excited about this baby- more so than me sometimes. I was so happy to watch him be giddy about our family growing.

I cry because we picked a dishwasher with bottle washers

I cry because I will always have a niece/nephew that will be born days before or after my baby was supposed to be born

I cry because I can’t believe this is happening.

         I cry just because I'm sad. 

I will never understand why this is happening or maybe I will. I will just hold onto the many promises God has given us. Just like Laura Story says in her song, Blessings… “as if every promise from your word was not enough.”

 On my way to get blood taken to check and make sure my HCG levels are decreasing I heard Mandisa’s song, Overcomer and I have decided that just like Isaiah 46:4 was Baby Knight’s life verse (however short that little life was) Overcomer is now my theme song. I will overcome. He will make me stronger and he will get all the glory through this all. The song says,

Whatever it is you may be going through

I know he’s not gonna let it get the best of you

You’re an overcomer

Stay in the fight till the final round

You’re not going under

‘Cause God is holding you right now

You might be down for a moment

Feeling like its hopeless

That’s when he reminds you

That you’re an overcomer

The same Man, the Great I am

The one who overcame death

Is living inside of you

So just hold tight, fix your eyes

On the one who holds your life

There’s nothing he can’t do

He’s telling you.

It will never be easy and I may cry for years to come but God doesn't promise that we will never grieve, he just promises that his joy will come in the morning and that our grief will turn to joy. (John 16:20) I love the song Jeremy Camp wrote after his wife miscarried, There Will Be a Day. It says, 

“Troubled soul don’t lose your heart 

cause joy and peace he brings 

and the beauty that’s in store 

outweighs the hurt of lifes sting.”

As I sit in our study writing this I look up to my art worship I have hanging on the wall and it is a random writing of lyrics, prayers, hopes, dreams and the only verse I can see over the computer screen is Psalms 61 so I looked it up.

    
 Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
     For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
     For you, God, have heard my vows; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name….Then I will ever sing in praise of your name and fulfill my vows day after day.

        So though it may have been the worst day of my life, the Lord is doing something. Though I may not see it and though I will cry Lord only knows how many more times- he is working and I pray I can give him the glory. 

Grieving Silently

Part I Here.

It’s funny to see how I wrote before I lost the baby (yesterdays post) and then after. Everything in yesterdays post was written while I was still pregnant. Everything today was written after I miscarried.  Also, it isn't very pretty. This is real and raw. I have tried to keep it readable but bear with me that this is really what happened.

...They said to rest and they would see me Thursday for an ultrasound. I did nothing all day Wednesday and Thursday my apt time came. I was a nervous wreck. I just knew I would go in and get my ultrasound & there would be no heartbeat. I also double nervous cause I was alone.

I had decided Monday night there was reason God chose that verse for this baby. I told myself I am not carrying this baby- the Lord is. If he chooses to carry this baby for a week, a month, 9 months- I would find rest in him alone and just like Isaiah says, he will sustain and rescue me. As difficult as that was to swallow, I held tight and kept repeating myself (maybe to convince myself I’d be ok if something happened) Having a baby is a gift. A gift I don’t deserve. God allows me to be a carrier of HIS child. I just held tight that regardless of the outcome I would be okay because he made me, he will carry me, sustain and rescue me.

                I go in to the office and have to wait. I am looking through Instragram and see one of my friends has posted a handwritten note of Psalms 37:4

Delight yourselves in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I sat in the waiting room and thought Oh Lord, I delight myself in you—you have yet to fail me - you will give me the desires of my heart. Oh I held onto that verse and prayed that when I was called back and the ultrasound began that I would see a baby and heart beating away. We started ultrasound and there the baby is…bigger than Monday and its heart is beating away. That sounds like a happily ever after right? I was so happy. My stress melted away. He told me we aren’t out of water yet but baby is growing and heart is still beating. Go downstairs and get more blood checked and see what your progesterone levels are now (after 5 doses of progesterone).

Well Monday I was a 7, Thursday I was a 9.9- still extremely low but getting better. Hope was still there. The baby now had arms and a little head along with eye holes, all visible on the ultrasound. I knew we weren’t out of water and I was still bleeding but oh I had hope again. Even my doctor said we don’t give up on babies that easily around here.  I started to get giddy and be happy. And praise Jesus- he had given us the desires of our heart. We would see the doctor again on the 21^st.

We drove to Kingwood because Friday we had apt with design center for our new house. Mom put the ultrasound photos on a painting I painted a few years ago of a lighthouse with psalms 71:14- I will always have hope. Friday was super busy and I was bleeding more. We got home Friday evening and decided Saturday we would do nothing and I would relax with my feet up. I went to bed full of hope and excited because my bleeding seemed to really have slowed down since resting.

Well Saturday came…I woke up worse than I had been yet. I messaged my nurse and told her I know doc said not to worry about bleeding, but when should I worry about bleeding?  She told me she would check with him and see what he wanted me to do. My nurse is amazing. We chatted back and forth and she told me not to give up and that God only gives the strong people tests. ( I mean really, who can talk with their baby doctor nurse on Saturday like they are just old friends chatting- I am so so thankful for her) Doctor told her to tell me that if it looks more like tissue instead of clots, I should worry. The rest of the day I would check every time I passed a clot.  As Saturday continued my bleeding got worse. My cramps got worse- like BAD. I took two showers—it was the only time my stomach felt semi-ok. I was losing hope and fast. Around 4:30 my cramps were awful. I would go lay in bed and oh the pain. I realized after an hour of misery—it wasn’t cramps. It was contractions. I knew the end was coming whether I was ready or not. I messaged my nurse again and told her this couldn’t be right I was in such pain. I felt like I was in labor. I told Justin that contractions with a baby at the end are much more bearable. Contractions to lose a baby are the worst thing I have ever experienced & I’ve had a central line and catheter put in with NO medicine.

At 7:30, I got ready for bed because I was miserable and lay in the bed, crying I was in such pain. I even told Justin- I’m not even crying because of the baby, I am crying because of how bad it hurts. At 7:45 I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom and stood up and felt it. I ran to the toilet saying Oh my gosh oh my gosh! I knew it was over. I just sat on the toilet and cried and cried. I messaged Kristi again and said Am I having a miscarriage? She said to be honest it sounds like but she would pray she was wrong. I boo-hooed the rest of the night…like ugly, scream cried. Justin went and got me a heating bad to help but as soon as the miscarriage happened my cramps slowly subdued. It was awful. I wrapped myself up in the heating pad anyways. Sunday I called the on call doctor and he confirmed that it sounded like I had a complete miscarriage.

I have been walking around numb ever since. I don’t think I have ever cried so much in my life. It is like I am perfectly fine then I am a mess. Little things set me off. Like this…I am writing this and thinking why? Everything about Ascher I write is for him to read. And as I write this I think, who will even read this? No baby will ever grow up to want to read the story of the hard road that led them to where they are today.

And maybe that is why I feel like I need to share my story and though my baby will never read the story and I’ll never get to watch that baby grow up it will always be my baby. My 2^nd baby. My little t-rex (as we called it after seeing it on Thursday before mc). And I need to acknowledge that this child existed. It had a purpose. 

So why do I feel the need to share with all of the internet? Because I feel like having a miscarriage is taboo yet so many women experience it and have suffered through one, two, three or more. Why do we wait to share our news at 12 weeks? Because its past the "scary time" or the "high risk"? Really…the second I found out something was not 100% ok with this baby I told all the people I knew would pray. I wanted heavens gates to be stormed with prayers not hidden away because I was scared. (I realized all people are different. Talking about a miscarriage may be awkward for you. You may think its personal and I shouldn’t share. That’s fine- we are all welcome to our opinions) However, I don’t do anything silently and grieving silently isn’t gonna happen for me.

I don’t think it’s right no one talks about miscarriages. They are real. They are common and they hurt. I was talking to my sister-in-law one night and she said something so true…we start caring for our babies the second we see two lines on a pregnancy test, not at 12 weeks when they are “safe.”  We never stop worrying. Why do we rejoice with women when they announce they are pregnant but leave them to grieve alone & silently when they lose a child? 

One night when I was writing two nights after the mc I wrote a list about why I cry. Little things would trigger the flood gates. Something else was a song that has made me have joy again. I’ll post it tomorrow. 

His Child. Not My Own.

I have really contemplated on posting this anywhere. And why share now? I share now because I would have been 12 weeks this week. I wrote it over time but really feel like maybe God put this in our lives so that I can share. Back in September we found out we were expecting. Due May 29, 2014. I wrote the typical excitement journal entry and was so excited. This baby was in no way planned. I got off birth control in September and got pregnant in September. With Ascher, I got off in January and got pregnant in July so we were not expecting this at all. Anything in red was written a while ago—black is my commentary today.

We have no idea what we are in for but we are excited that God has blessed us once again with a pregnancy. It is such a miracle. As I was putting Ascher to bed tonight, (We have this new thing where we go in our room and watch TV in bed for  a few minutes then he snuggles up next to me and goes to sleep) I texted Justin and said there are three of us in here. He said that’s weird. I responded, no its not. It’s a miracle, our greatest accomplishments.

I continued to write about little stuff…ya know stuff I wanted to remember…like my symptoms, things that were happening in our world (like house being on market, etc) And then Sunday night three weeks later I was on pinterest and I kept coming across this verse…Isaiah 46:4. I just knew in my gut that this should be Baby #2 life verse. (Mine is Psalms 91, Justin is Proverbs 3:5-6, and Ascher is John 15:9-16) The verse says… I have made you and I carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you. I don’t know but I just knew in my gut that this needed to be this babies verse. I clung to that verse so tightly over the upcoming weeks. So Monday came around and this is what I wrote following our doctors apt. 

Well little did I know how much it would ring true. (Reference to the verse) Monday we went to the doctor. I was so excited and anxious. I just couldn't wait to have my second ultrasound and see little baby. (I had been to doc once already but it was too early to see anything other than a sac forming). Well we get in there and the little heart is beating away. It really is the most beautiful sound that there ever was. It is unbelievable to me that a baby's heart is beating away at 105 beats per minute inside me. Well I asked how far along I was and he said it looked like 5 weeks. Well according to my last period I am supposed to be 6 weeks 5 days. So he says he is going to put me on progesterone to help. And then asks me have you ever had a miscarriage? I am holding it together as best as can. I am so lost. WHAT!? A miscarriage?  I came into this appointment so happy and anxious and just knew I would see two babies (haha)…not one who may or may not be growing properly. Well Monday night I start spotting. Tuesday morning I go to bible study and I can’t get it out of my mind. Im so hormonal. (Good sign, I guess. Haha) Well I call them at 11 and she tells me my progesterone is at 7. It’s supposed to be at 15 so he wants me to start taking my progesterone 2x a day instead of one and see me next Friday instead of 2 weeks…My spotting is increasing and so they want to see me on Thursday instead of next Friday.

I rested the next few days trying to do everything in my power to just take it easy and not worry. At this point, I really was just thinking I needed to rest—that’s it. (How naive) I wrote this on Wednesday night…

Tomorrow morning I have MOPS then it will be almost time for the apt. I am very nervous. Justin is in Houston and Mom is sick. So I am going alone. I know God has a plan just like I said. Isaiah is this baby's life verse. And if the Lord chooses to let me carry HIS child for a week, an hour, or preferably 9 months HE is the one who is carrying me and the baby. This baby is on loan.  He will rescue & sustain me regardless of the outcome.

In writing this I just realized that is the last thing I wrote in that entry about the baby. Im gonna be honest…this is hard. That’s enough for now. Tomorrow I’ll write about the worst day of my life. The day the Lord chose to take his baby home. 

September: Ava's birthday party

3 years ago a little girl was welcomed into the world and I had the privilege of spending the first night home from the hospital with her at their apartment. One Sunday in September, that little girl, Ava turned 3. I drove to Katy for the party and Ascher had a blast. He played with the crowns & jewels (it was a princess party), he especially loved the play kitchen- he wasn't a huge fan of the jump house though. 

After eating, playing and jumping it was time for cupcakes. Well they had planned for Shellie or Pamela to wear the "princess costume" and surprise all the little girls with a princess appearance...however, due to some sizing issues I was called upon and low and behold...it zipped so Lauren, Ascher's mom, became Lauren, Princess of Enchanchia. I had so much fun. The little girls were in awe like I was a real princess. It made my day to see all of the girls so happy.

Ascher's face in the background breaks my heart. 

And of course Princess Lauren couldn't forget her favorite little prince...

Happy 3rd Birthday Ava!! Glad we got to celebrate with you!

September: Carla & Kason Gender Reveal

Kason & Carla (my brother in law & sister in law) are expecting and I am so excited to be welcoming another...NEPHEW!!! We drove to Tomball one night for the big gender reveal. They worked really hard on finding a creative way to share the wonderful news with us all and it turned out so cute! 

I am so excited for another Knight boy!! I can't wait to hug and love on the little man!!

September: Benjamin's 2nd birthday

The first weekend in September we headed to Lake Conroe for a sweet little boy's 2nd birthday! Benjamin's birthday party was so much fun. We played in the pool and around the house. We ate lots of food and all hung out. 

Kim and I have become close friends through bible study and I am so blessed and thankful for our friendship. 

As we were leaving I made Kim take a photo with me so we could remember how cute we were when our babies were 1.5 and 2! HAHA! 

Fallen

So it may seem like I have fallen off the face of the blogging world...have no fear I am back. (hopefully- for now). We have had a whirlwind couple of months. So last time I blogged...

  I was sitting in my study in our house
    which wasn't on the market yet.
  We had just found out we were moving.

 However, today I sit in a computer niche in our apartment because...
   our house has sold,
   we have purchased a new house,
   it isn't finished being built
   so we are living in an apartment until it is finished.

A lot of other stuff has happened as well but that will surface in due time. We have been crazy. SOO thankful Justin's company hired packers and movers or I would have been a crazy person. It all happened so fast. We sold our house in 12 days. I was so sad to leave our little town. I had lived there since 2005. It was definitely bittersweet. The first day we were in Houston- I cried and thought I want to go back home. It is so overwhelming and scary. I have no friends, no HEB down the street, no bible study, no MOPS. However, by the second day here I had a much better attitude.The second day here Dad stopped by for lunch because he was in the area (that never happened in CS) and by the third day Ascher and I were already at Toddler Time at the library down the road. Today we went to a free Kindermusix event in the town center which was loads of fun. There is so much to do around here- I think we will like it. So thats my update for now...I'm going to try and organize everything we have done so I can play catch up on some major events but for now..here is our little family the morning we moved out of our first home. Sad, but so exciting.